I was always nervous at the thought of breastfeeding. Will it hurt? Will my baby latch? How will I feed my baby in public? Would I enjoy the experience? I had so many unanswered questions as a new expectant mother. I had the tools but would I have the talent? Against all odds, I just knew I wanted to breastfeed. I did my best to educate myself as much as I could during my pregnancy. I researched, watched videos and completed an online course. I felt pretty confident towards the end of my pregnancy, however I would still have this worry from time to time.
Then the day arrived. I had just given birth to my daughter. I was filled with so many emotions. She was placed onto my chest as soon as she was born and in that very moment, I instinctively knew what to do. She latched for her first feed and from then on, my breastfeeding journey with my baby girl soared. She loved to feed and I would feed her on demand anywhere and everywhere. All of the worries I had melted away the very moment I had her. It didn’t hurt. She was able to latch properly, I had no problem feeding in a public setting and I was enjoying being a breastfeeding mum. In fact, it felt amazing having this super power! My milk was not only providing nourishment to my baby, but it was a key component in my baby’s development. Astonishing when you deep it!
I was flooded with information during pregnancy and postpartum on the importance of breastfeeding and the health benefits it has for mother and baby. I remember being praised at my first doctor’s appointment when I was asked if I was exclusively breastfeeding, to which I responded yes. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was sucked into the whole notion of breast is best. So much so, I was reluctant to express milk as I did not want to give my baby the bottle and wanted to avoid nipple confusion.
After months of nursing, my husband was keen to bond with our baby through feeding and I wanted that experience for him too. With our baby now 4 months old and breastfeeding fully established, I was a lot more comfortable with the idea of introducing the bottle. It took baby girl some time to get used to it but eventually she was able to feed from the bottle after several attempts. I started expressing milk which I began to harvest in the freezer. I’d place the miracle liquid pridefully in the freezer drawer amazed in what my mothering body had produced. It gave me peace of mind having expressed milk as a backup and it was good to know that I could have some breathing space from nursing. I told myself that next time, I would begin expressing a lot sooner and even introduce the bottle sooner as expressing is still exclusively breastfeeding, something I was not aware of at the time.
Breastfeeding while pregnant
My daughter had just turned 13 months when I fell pregnant with our second child. Initially, I didn’t mind nursing while pregnant- I had a newfound respect for my body having the ability to continue to nourish one child while creating another. It’s fascinating. However as time went on and my pregnancy progressed, I began to experience breastfeeding aversion. My daughter continued to reach new milestones, grow more and more teeth and eat more adventurous foods; breastfeeding her felt almost like a regression to me. I understood that it was still an important source in her development but it just wasn’t the same. Also, I was beginning to get overwhelmed with the constant demand my body had to feed my growing baby and to grow a baby at the same time. My body felt like a host. I would half heartedly joke with my family that I would end up tandem feeding as she was showing no signs of coming off the breast. Although I was done, I didn’t want to force her off. I wanted her to decide when she was ready and when it was time. Thankfully, nursing while pregnant was a brief experience for me as she naturally weaned off at 17 months.
A new experience
As one journey reached its end with my first born, another was on the horizon with my second. This time I was a lot more confident. After all, I had been nursing flawlessly for 17 months. I considered myself a pro! My world was rocked when I had my son. The thing that had become so natural and second nature was now presenting challenges and frustrations I could not of forseen. Remarkably, my son weighed the exact same weight as his big sister when he was born. He was born slightly earlier, a little smaller but perfect in everyway. Just like his sister, I was able to bring him straight onto my chest when he was born. He latched on for his first feed effortlessly as if to certify that we were in for another smooth sailing experience. I was delighted. All had gone well and I was home a couple hours after having my boy. We slept when we got home as we were discharged in the early hours of the following day. The first few feeds at home were fine but then, almost suddenly, there was a problem. It was as if he had forgotten how to latch. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was slightly premature and hadn’t quite mastered the dexterity. I continued to persevere but It went on for weeks. Eventually I would wince at the thought of feeding him. There would always be a sharp pinching sensation as he suckled. I was forever breaking the latch with my baby finger to reattempt it but it was still so uncomfortable. I raised it with my health visitor (HV) and midwife during my home visits. They were able to advise and watched as I demonstrated a feed but to my inconvenience, we would get it right when we were being observed. I persevered, determined to get it right. Barrier cream became my best friend, something I never used the first time nursing. I would apply it generously in hopes that one day we would get over this hurdle but something unbeknown to me was wrong.
My baby was losing weight
My baby was slowly dropping weight every time he was weighed. I was constantly reassured that it was a normal process for babies to lose some weight post birth and that he was still within a healthy range. I couldn’t help but feel guilty and that it was my fault. I was feeding through all the pain and discomfort I was experiencing but it was not enough. Was I not producing enough milk? Is the poor latch disrupting the flow? What should I be be doing differently? It was such a worrying time. I stepped up the feeds day and night to try and get his weight up for the next weighing. Within days I noticed a huge improvement during our feeds, he was now opening his mouth wider and latching on properly every time. No more pain, no more pinching or discomfort. We had done it!
I was optimistic arriving at our appointment with our HV to have our baby weighed. He looked and felt heavier so I was confident that we would be back on track on the percentile. Astonishingly to my horror, when he was weighed he had lost even more weight and had now fallen just below 12% of his birth weight. I was informed that we would need to be admitted into hospital to undergo a feeding plan. I was shocked and distraught. I felt like I had done all that I could. He was feeling heavier, I was certain he had gained weight. In the end it didn’t matter, the proof was there and I had failed him. Bags packed, my husband and I made our way to the hospital. I didn’t know how long we would be away for. A day, two days, a week? Who knew? I was so heartbroken to leave my daughter but my baby boy needed me (One of many moments as a mother where you wish you could split yourself in two). When we arrived at the hospital we were escorted to a private room on the maternity ward. I looked around the room in despair. I should be home curled up on the sofa nursing my baby, not in some cold hospital room. We were greeted by a friendly midwife who explained the reason for the admission and what the plan would be during my stay in hospital. I was visibly upset so it helped that the midwife was kind and reassuring. Our baby had to be weighed again as part of the hospital admission. I undressed him and placed his beautiful tiny little body on the scales and held my breath yet again. The midwife stepped back perplexed. She looked puzzled, I was confused. She asked me to reconfirm the weight taken earlier with the HV. I stated the weight and she wrote it down. She left the room stating that she needed to confirm something with a colleague. What could possibly be wrong now? She returned with a doctor who checked his weight and checked it again. He hadn’t lost weight he had put on weight! It was explained that sometimes scales used in the community may be incorrect if they are not used on a proper surface, been knocked in transit or have not been calibrated. We were free to go home. My husband and I were so happy and relieved. I felt like he had put on weight, I knew it! We left the hospital elated and haven’t looked back since!
My son is now days away from being 10 months and we are still happily breastfeeding. By the grace of god, both my son and my daughter are thriving beautifully and I am incredibly proud of them both. Although the journeys have been completely different with many highs and lows I would not change a thing. I have loved having the experience and the ability to breastfeed my children. I love the bonding moments it has created, the pride I get from witnessing my body doing something incredible and something it was made to do, seeing my babies grow stronger everyday and achieve their millstones, the convenience of not having to sterilise and make bottles and the pleasure I get from seeing them milk drunk! Honestly I could go on and on. Breastfeeding might not be for everyone and that doesn’t make you any less of a parent if you choose not too, but it definitely is for me.
Tips to help you along the way!
Be patient and kind to yourself. Breastfeeding is a tapestry of triumphs, challenges and deep personal moments. You’re not going to know what to expect and you’re not guaranteed to have the same experience so be kind to yourself while you get to know and bond with your new baby.
Let your baby guide you. Your baby is born with the instinct to feed. They know what they’re doing! Give your baby time and allow them to guide you through your journey.
Expressing your milk into the bottle is still breastfeeding. Invest in a good pump, have plenty of storage bags and make some room in your freezer! Frozen breast milk can be stored for up to 6 month so be sure you write the date on the bag when you expressed.
Look after yourself. If you’re good, your baby is good. Drink plenty of fluids (me included), eat well and get as much rest as you can. This will all support and encourage your milk supply.
Seek support. Breastfeeding doesn’t always come natural to everyone. Some people have to work on it. If you have a desire to nurse your baby and are struggling then seek support. There will be breastfeeding support groups in your local area; you can discuss any concerns you have with your HV and there are plenty of online resources.
Remember you are doing amazing! Breastfeeding is a full-time round the clock job. The demand it has on you can sometimes take its toll. Remember you are doing your best everyday and you got this! Be present in the experience and try to enjoy it because once it’s gone. it’s gone.
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